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Letter "J" » Jack Handy Quotes
(Click a letter to view the authors)
«What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?»
«I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.»
«If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.»
«We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
ancients, annoys, beliefs, faces, personally, scoff, scoffs, tend
«You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.»
«I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
answer for, cartoon, cartoons, cartoon characters, characters
«Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.»
«When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
after-school, bear, cave, caveman, cave in, Cave of the, favorite, his uncle, kid, later, once in a while, One of Us, relative, school, uncle, uncles
«Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
demand, march, on the way, rights, Saturday, Saturday Night, Saturday Night Live, slam, slamming, slams, talking, talking to, way out
«If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
grenade, grenades, hand grenade, hand grenades, pumpkin, pumpkins, The Enemy, throw, throwing
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